"I won't make them bleed a lot," he says, with pointed innocence. After a second he adds, "I'd like learning to fly. It's something my brother hasn't done yet, I think."
"Papercuts only, I can work with that." Despite herself, that darkly playful smirk broadens into something warmer as she nods.
"It's a lot to focus on all at once, it took - " The smile drops abruptly. Mostly to herself, she mutters, "Stupid."
And then, when she meets his eyes again, "I didn't really learn, did I. All that knowledge was pre-implanted."
She never tried to figure out which flight was actually her first. Which cargo she was actually responsible for, which people she actually ferried safely.
He studies her face, trying to sort through his thoughts as carefully as possible before he says anything. He doesn't want to mess this up, he doesn't want to upset her or hurt her or say something that will make her not want to talk to him.
"Why..." A pause, to see if he's phrasing it properly in his own head, which doesn't mean that it's phrased right, but he's trying. "If you love the memories, why can't they be yours, no matter who put them there? Someone else isn't the one who has them. They don't own those memories. They're yours now."
Her expression had gone flat again, but as he speaks the edges begin to soften; she can't help but think of other memories that weren't quite hers, that she was so desperate to reclaim, that she was given instead.
But there is a difference, and her gaze drops as she pulls her hands back and crosses her arms, trying to articulate it.
"He still designed them. He still chose them to make me the - the perfect bait. He chose what and who I would love." Her nails dig into her arms, hard enough to draw blood if not for the mystically resilient fabric of her sleeves.
He nods slowly, not wanting to contradict her, even if he has ideas about... that. It's early. He doesn't need to say everything right now, when he's just learning the details of the story he knows in broad strokes.
Still, he reaches out a tentacle to brush against her fingertips, to draw her attention to how tight her own grip is if she hasn't noticed already.
"Well, you can teach me about something you love, and those memories will be completely yours. You--"
He pauses, frowns at the table. Finally looks back at Madelyne. "When I was... made, I didn't have a body. I was trapped in the eyes of the person who summoned me, and it wasn't even me he was trying to summon. I didn't know anything about Earth, I didn't really know anything but how to survive in a place that... that was nothing but violence and chaos. A dumping ground for dead things, where I'd been so long I didn't remember who I was."
There, context provided. "The... person who su--"
He stops himself, because anyone who knows anything about him or John will be able to guess who it is. "Arthur Lester, one of the inmates, was the one who got me out of there. He didn't mean to get me out, though. He wanted my brother, who had been with him before. He didn't even know I was there. While we were together, he quoted poetry, sometimes. He recited one to me when I barely... I didn't even know what poetry was. All I knew was that it was beautiful, and I wanted to know more."
Edwin frowns down at the file again. "He wasn't kind. Arthur. I understand why now, way better than I did then. But I wasn't kind to him either. There's a reason my brother came here as a warden and I came as an inmate. But I still... liked poetry. I still wanted to know more. For a while I-- For a little while I wouldn't read any just because it was something Arthur loved and I didn't want to love it. Because the first poem I heard was one he recited."
He looks up again. "But I started reading poems anyway. A little bit here or there, when I was... feeling... resentful, or defiant. And I started to love it for myself. I know it's not... the same, really, it's not the same hardly at all, but I don't think it's wrong for you to love flying just because some fucking asshole thought it would be useful for you to know for his own reasons. Even if... you don't know which flight, which one was your first, which one was real first... One of those flights and all the ones after were yours. Whatever you knew because of him, you were still the one flying. We get whole new lives in the breaches. Learn how to do things we never have before. If we come back to ourselves and love doing what we learned..."
He shrugs. "Then it doesn't belong to the breach or the person we were there, any more. It belongs to us. You can make new memories. Beautiful flowers still use actual shit to grow, sometimes."
Her fingers do relax a fraction at the touch, but she doesn't look up at him. Not until he gets deeper into the story, and tells her -
Tells her that he only exists, is only alive, because someone desperate and lonely wanted someone else. It shatters all the determination to withdraw back into herself, and when she meets his gaze her expression is the most open it's ever been outside of the dreamscape.
It's easier to listen to people when you open yourself up, as it turns out. She doesn't realise it, but her hands ease entirely by the time he's finished, only gently clasping her arms. When he finishes she even snickers, low and soft, and there's a brightness back in her eyes.
"I - " It comes out rougher than she expected, and she swallows the sudden lump in her throat with a frustrated grimace. "I suppose. That all makes sense." The breaches are even fuzzier than the rest of her Barge memories, but she knows - she knows, somewhere deep in her gut, that she loved people in those too, and learned things, and carried both forward. She knows they made her more and not less.
"...I want you to keep reading. Just a bit further, I think, and you'll know why."
Just a bit further indeed. When he gets to everything with Nate, well. He's left staring at the page for several seconds before looking back up at Madelyne, eyes very wide.
"Oh." He looks at the file, then at her again. "I... Oh."
"Yeah." The rueful, crooked little smile looks strange on her face; it's the sort of expression she wore far more easily in the old days, when she didn't have anything to prove.
"Nate...he didn't really know what he was doing. He wasn't cruel on purpose." Looking back on it now, with all of her history intact and feeling truly whole - god, he was so young. "I don't even know where he is, these days."
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2024-07-21 03:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-07-22 04:05 am (UTC)"It's a lot to focus on all at once, it took - " The smile drops abruptly. Mostly to herself, she mutters, "Stupid."
And then, when she meets his eyes again, "I didn't really learn, did I. All that knowledge was pre-implanted."
She never tried to figure out which flight was actually her first. Which cargo she was actually responsible for, which people she actually ferried safely.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-22 04:10 am (UTC)"Why..." A pause, to see if he's phrasing it properly in his own head, which doesn't mean that it's phrased right, but he's trying. "If you love the memories, why can't they be yours, no matter who put them there? Someone else isn't the one who has them. They don't own those memories. They're yours now."
no subject
Date: 2024-07-22 11:06 pm (UTC)But there is a difference, and her gaze drops as she pulls her hands back and crosses her arms, trying to articulate it.
"He still designed them. He still chose them to make me the - the perfect bait. He chose what and who I would love." Her nails dig into her arms, hard enough to draw blood if not for the mystically resilient fabric of her sleeves.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-23 12:26 am (UTC)Still, he reaches out a tentacle to brush against her fingertips, to draw her attention to how tight her own grip is if she hasn't noticed already.
"Well, you can teach me about something you love, and those memories will be completely yours. You--"
He pauses, frowns at the table. Finally looks back at Madelyne. "When I was... made, I didn't have a body. I was trapped in the eyes of the person who summoned me, and it wasn't even me he was trying to summon. I didn't know anything about Earth, I didn't really know anything but how to survive in a place that... that was nothing but violence and chaos. A dumping ground for dead things, where I'd been so long I didn't remember who I was."
There, context provided. "The... person who su--"
He stops himself, because anyone who knows anything about him or John will be able to guess who it is. "Arthur Lester, one of the inmates, was the one who got me out of there. He didn't mean to get me out, though. He wanted my brother, who had been with him before. He didn't even know I was there. While we were together, he quoted poetry, sometimes. He recited one to me when I barely... I didn't even know what poetry was. All I knew was that it was beautiful, and I wanted to know more."
Edwin frowns down at the file again. "He wasn't kind. Arthur. I understand why now, way better than I did then. But I wasn't kind to him either. There's a reason my brother came here as a warden and I came as an inmate. But I still... liked poetry. I still wanted to know more. For a while I-- For a little while I wouldn't read any just because it was something Arthur loved and I didn't want to love it. Because the first poem I heard was one he recited."
He looks up again. "But I started reading poems anyway. A little bit here or there, when I was... feeling... resentful, or defiant. And I started to love it for myself. I know it's not... the same, really, it's not the same hardly at all, but I don't think it's wrong for you to love flying just because some fucking asshole thought it would be useful for you to know for his own reasons. Even if... you don't know which flight, which one was your first, which one was real first... One of those flights and all the ones after were yours. Whatever you knew because of him, you were still the one flying. We get whole new lives in the breaches. Learn how to do things we never have before. If we come back to ourselves and love doing what we learned..."
He shrugs. "Then it doesn't belong to the breach or the person we were there, any more. It belongs to us. You can make new memories. Beautiful flowers still use actual shit to grow, sometimes."
no subject
Date: 2024-07-23 12:45 am (UTC)Tells her that he only exists, is only alive, because someone desperate and lonely wanted someone else. It shatters all the determination to withdraw back into herself, and when she meets his gaze her expression is the most open it's ever been outside of the dreamscape.
It's easier to listen to people when you open yourself up, as it turns out. She doesn't realise it, but her hands ease entirely by the time he's finished, only gently clasping her arms. When he finishes she even snickers, low and soft, and there's a brightness back in her eyes.
"I - " It comes out rougher than she expected, and she swallows the sudden lump in her throat with a frustrated grimace. "I suppose. That all makes sense." The breaches are even fuzzier than the rest of her Barge memories, but she knows - she knows, somewhere deep in her gut, that she loved people in those too, and learned things, and carried both forward. She knows they made her more and not less.
"...I want you to keep reading. Just a bit further, I think, and you'll know why."
no subject
Date: 2024-08-03 04:21 am (UTC)"Oh." He looks at the file, then at her again. "I... Oh."
no subject
Date: 2024-08-18 08:35 pm (UTC)"Nate...he didn't really know what he was doing. He wasn't cruel on purpose." Looking back on it now, with all of her history intact and feeling truly whole - god, he was so young. "I don't even know where he is, these days."
No one has told her, and she hasn't asked.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-30 06:10 am (UTC)He's distracted though, chest squeezed in a way that would make it hard to breathe if he needed to.
"D'you... d'you want to talk about it, any, the... the circumstances that brought you back?"
no subject
Date: 2024-08-30 08:01 pm (UTC)"It's - all a bit moot, now. I've died and come back twice since then."