"No." Softly insistent. "The only thing the barge does is bring people back. They still died, and I still killed them. Even if I didn't really understand what killing them meant."
He never, even for a second, wants to lose sight of that.
Edwin draws her over to sit on the floor next to the tree rather than going to the couch. The black kitten who followed him from Ulthar, Menes, slips out from under the nearest table to climb onto his lap.
"I haven't really talked about it, have I? Well, I haven't talked about it with anyone really. But I can, if you want."
"...I forget, I think. What death means to most people." It was the helplessness that really got her when it finally happened onboard, the sheer gall of it - but the shock, the pain, the fading away, that was just...
She lets herself be pulled, curling up beside him; Menes earns a gentle huff of surprise, before she reaches out to scratch his chin.
"You said it was about as long there, as it was here?"
"Limbo is like that, too." One more reason she can't really track how long she's existed as herself, but maybe the measurement matters less than the context.
"The cats in Ulthar are protected, so there are a lot of them. Some cats come just because they know no human can hurt a cat in Ulthar without getting eaten by the rest of them."
"Well damn, that's a perfectly fair trade." Rueful, but not exactly reluctant.
"Dying sucked." And she squeezes his hand back as she says that, just as a reassuring gesture for the stuff that's too complicated to say out loud, like it wasn't your fault and it could have been so much worse. "But it was the first time onboard, and then - I woke up, in a place I knew, with people who gave a damn."
She wasn't a raging echo or a restless spirit; she wasn't fractured and lost and forgotten.
His own grip on her hand tightens with a mix of worry and unbridled rage that comes on with enough of a roar to be scary. It takes him a nerve-wracking few seconds to get a grip on the feeling.
"...Good," he finally manages, clearly in reference to how she woke up. "You deserve at least that."
It may scare him, but it doesn't faze her; she leans right into him, as if sinking into the warmth of a hearth.
"Vash made sure I came back. John made sure I wouldn't be helpless. Hakkai took what Sebastian did seriously, and made sure it wouldn't happen to anyone else."
He did not see that one coming. At least his reaction this time is soothed by how comfortable she stays even with the glow of fury smoldering in his psyche.
He wraps both arms around her. "I died twice as an inmate. I was tied to my crown before I got a body--break it, break me."
Ah, that would make sense. He's not as close to Sebastian as he wants to be, but he does know something something kill everyone in this room and then himself, as far as Sebastian and His Boy goes.
He nests in the hug, thinking this must be how cozy metal feels when it starts to melt in a flame. And he agrees with her. He does. But there's an odd resistance in his heart to a world where he never got very literally broken.
"I think... I think I needed it, truthfully. I needed that, to understand death better as a consequence. When I got here, almost the first thing I did was kill Arthur. Made him fall down some stairs and break his neck. I knew I won. But I didn't really... understand what that would have done to someone in a world without the Admiral bringing us back. I didn't care that death hurt the living, even if the dead came back."
"...Death never taught me anything." It was just more pain, more helplessness, more of her life stolen, more reason to resent the world and all of its heroes. All those hard-won miracles and lofty ideals.
"That's half of why the Barge is such a clusterfuck. All of us needing wildly different things." She's not benevolent enough to grant the Admiral more than that. "...Anyone caught you up to speed on Trevor's bullshit?"
"I wouldn't say death taught you nothing," Edwin counters quietly. "I think it taught you that the world isn't the fair, just place that the people who win, the people who live, decide that it is when they're rewarded by the chaos of unpredictability."
His turn to take the lead on hugging. He resettles his arms around around Maddie. Arms, shadows, the folds of a blanket that wasn't there a few seconds ago. "I think death taught you that and they taught you to be angry about the lie."
It's still odd, trusting someone so absolutely - so much that she can sink into a new sensation without flinching, without assuming the worst. Maybe accepting that comfort means she can receive the words, too, a little more easily.
Before it became one of the last desperate sanctuaries, her Embassy was for mutants who didn't fit in Krakoa; the ones who never had the luxury of dreams. Would she have known the importance of that if she hadn't been failed so utterly, over and over?
"He got himself demoted, after an earlier killing spree. Now he wants to wreck the whole ship." She doesn't sound worried about it. "...I've met a lot of people who hate themselves, but still think they're doing what's best for everyone else."
There are the ones she has no respect or sympathy for, like Xavier. But then - well, then there's her son.
"Some things you do have to burn down and start over."
Again he doesn't disagree. Though he's strangely disappointed in Trevor, and he can't figure out yet why. It'll keep. He has more than enough to think about already.
"Ashes denote that fire was; Respect the grayest pile For the departed creature’s sake That hovered there awhile. Fire exists the first in light, And then consolidates,— Only the chemist can disclose Into what carbonates."
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2025-11-15 11:18 pm (UTC)"Okay. Are you going to try killing half the ship now that I'm back?"
He doesn't sound terribly worried.
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Date: 2025-11-15 11:39 pm (UTC)To beat Sebastian, obviously.
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Date: 2025-11-16 03:51 am (UTC)"I like your current streak." He does try to hug her now. "It's better than mine as an inmate, that's for sure."
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Date: 2025-11-16 03:58 am (UTC)"You were, what, a month old?"
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Date: 2025-11-24 02:10 am (UTC)He relaxes into the hug, relief and gratitude making his throat tight. "I'm really glad I get to see this through with you."
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Date: 2025-11-24 02:27 am (UTC)As blithe as she's trying to sound - there's a lump in her throat, hearing that.
"Me, too." She swallows, claws her composure back. "I knew you were all right, thanks to Jedao. That helped."
If he hadn't gone, or if she'd lost both of them -
Well, she'd have lost her streak, that's for sure.
no subject
Date: 2025-11-29 05:44 pm (UTC)He never, even for a second, wants to lose sight of that.
Edwin draws her over to sit on the floor next to the tree rather than going to the couch. The black kitten who followed him from Ulthar, Menes, slips out from under the nearest table to climb onto his lap.
"I haven't really talked about it, have I? Well, I haven't talked about it with anyone really. But I can, if you want."
no subject
Date: 2025-12-02 04:14 pm (UTC)She lets herself be pulled, curling up beside him; Menes earns a gentle huff of surprise, before she reaches out to scratch his chin.
"You said it was about as long there, as it was here?"
no subject
Date: 2025-12-02 04:35 pm (UTC)He touches the tree gently, smiling at Menes and then at Maddie.
"Just about, yeah. Might have been a longer there. Some places in the Dreamlands, time flows a little sideways."
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Date: 2025-12-02 06:06 pm (UTC)"...No kittens, though. As far as I know."
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Date: 2025-12-03 03:46 am (UTC)That is a perfectly normal thing, no?
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Date: 2025-12-03 11:11 pm (UTC)Boil it down to the essentials and that's exactly why mutants come to the Limbo Embassy.
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Date: 2025-12-05 03:15 am (UTC)Does he get puns half the time? No. But in his defense that sounded like one.
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Date: 2025-12-14 11:52 pm (UTC)"Oh. Purrfect." Apparently, she can roll her Rs perfectly.
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Date: 2025-12-15 01:25 am (UTC)"That."
He takes her hand and gives it a little squeeze. "I'll tell you stories if you tell me stories about how it's been for you while I've been gone."
no subject
Date: 2025-12-17 04:42 am (UTC)"Dying sucked." And she squeezes his hand back as she says that, just as a reassuring gesture for the stuff that's too complicated to say out loud, like it wasn't your fault and it could have been so much worse. "But it was the first time onboard, and then - I woke up, in a place I knew, with people who gave a damn."
She wasn't a raging echo or a restless spirit; she wasn't fractured and lost and forgotten.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-17 10:35 am (UTC)"...Good," he finally manages, clearly in reference to how she woke up. "You deserve at least that."
Even if he should have been here for her.
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Date: 2025-12-17 11:13 pm (UTC)"Vash made sure I came back. John made sure I wouldn't be helpless. Hakkai took what Sebastian did seriously, and made sure it wouldn't happen to anyone else."
no subject
Date: 2025-12-17 11:28 pm (UTC)He did not see that one coming. At least his reaction this time is soothed by how comfortable she stays even with the glow of fury smoldering in his psyche.
He wraps both arms around her. "I died twice as an inmate. I was tied to my crown before I got a body--break it, break me."
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Date: 2025-12-17 11:32 pm (UTC)There's ferocity in her embrace, restlessly protective. "See, that kind of shit - he shouldn't let Inmates be that vulnerable."
no subject
Date: 2025-12-20 05:27 am (UTC)He nests in the hug, thinking this must be how cozy metal feels when it starts to melt in a flame. And he agrees with her. He does. But there's an odd resistance in his heart to a world where he never got very literally broken.
"I think... I think I needed it, truthfully. I needed that, to understand death better as a consequence. When I got here, almost the first thing I did was kill Arthur. Made him fall down some stairs and break his neck. I knew I won. But I didn't really... understand what that would have done to someone in a world without the Admiral bringing us back. I didn't care that death hurt the living, even if the dead came back."
no subject
Date: 2025-12-20 07:35 am (UTC)"That's half of why the Barge is such a clusterfuck. All of us needing wildly different things." She's not benevolent enough to grant the Admiral more than that. "...Anyone caught you up to speed on Trevor's bullshit?"
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Date: 2025-12-20 02:51 pm (UTC)His turn to take the lead on hugging. He resettles his arms around around Maddie. Arms, shadows, the folds of a blanket that wasn't there a few seconds ago. "I think death taught you that and they taught you to be angry about the lie."
...Uh oh. "What happened?"
He hasn't really seen Trevor much lately yet.
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Date: 2025-12-22 12:33 am (UTC)Before it became one of the last desperate sanctuaries, her Embassy was for mutants who didn't fit in Krakoa; the ones who never had the luxury of dreams. Would she have known the importance of that if she hadn't been failed so utterly, over and over?
"He got himself demoted, after an earlier killing spree. Now he wants to wreck the whole ship." She doesn't sound worried about it. "...I've met a lot of people who hate themselves, but still think they're doing what's best for everyone else."
There are the ones she has no respect or sympathy for, like Xavier. But then - well, then there's her son.
"Some things you do have to burn down and start over."
no subject
Date: 2025-12-22 02:01 am (UTC)"Ashes denote that fire was;
Respect the grayest pile
For the departed creature’s sake
That hovered there awhile.
Fire exists the first in light,
And then consolidates,—
Only the chemist can disclose
Into what carbonates."